Do I Feel Different?

A few days after Maya was born, my friend Dave asked me if I felt different. I said that I did, but at the time, I couldn't put my finger on exactly why. Of course, there are the obvious reasons: I was sleeping less. I was more irritable. I swear I have started losing more hair. I had someone to teach and to care for, to guide and to love. All those things are obviously different about becoming a parent. But when I became a father, I didn't just feel temporally different, I felt, and still feel, spiritually and mentally different. A few days ago Dave asked me the question again, and I told him that I did feel different, but once again, I couldn't really explain why. In the time that's past, I've thought a lot about that question, and I think I've realized why I feel different.

I am a very religious person. I hold my relationship to God as one of the most precious things in my life. I know he exists, and I know he has a plan for me as a human being. Do I think God has every detail of my life planned out? No, of course not. However, there are a few things that I know God wants me to do with my life. Becoming a father is first and foremost among them. There are feelings we feel as we go through life. These feelings guide us through the ins and outs of normal existence. They tell us when what we are doing is right or wrong. They help us make difficult decisions. I believe that those feelings are God's way of guiding us through this complicated mortal experience. When we continually do what God wants us to do, those good feelings are reinforced. As a result, we develop newfound and strengthened confidence in our course through life. This is precisely why I, as a father, feel different than I did before. Through the sleep deprived nights and the countless difficulties of parenthood, there has always been this feeling within me that I am doing what God wants me to do with my life. I feel a newfound confidence that God wants me to be a dad so that I can teach Maya, whom He knows and loves, how to be a person who lives her life by doing good in the world. More so than he has ever done before, God has given me the strength and reassurance that fatherhood is the most important thing that I could be doing with my life. As important as medical school, work, or other pursuits are, in the end, God wants us to be parents, and to find happiness in our families. I know that over these last six months, I have felt the hand of God telling me to be better, to sacrifice myself, to be a real man, and to give all my effort and heart to my daughter and my wife.

In so many ways, being a father changes your life. But of all those changes, the most important one comes from the knowledge that I am doing what God wants me to do with my life. And that is why I feel different, and why I am different.